Every time someone yells, I find myself shrinking into my protective little world.
  
"Stay quiet , avoid eye contact, make yourself small, and if you are lucky, you might not be the one that takes the brunt of it all."

I know my feelings are irrational, that the adrenaline rushing through my veins and my racing heart are conditioned responses to explosive anger. Every time I feel this way, I feel stupid for letting myself be bullied, and angry at others for subjecting me to it all over again.

At times, I am simply a bystander, listening to people yell at each other because that is they only way they can communicate. Sometimes, I am a listening ear that receives the yelling because it has no other place to fall. And I know, that there are plenty of times that I am the place that the blame should fall, thus the yelling is deserved in others eyes.

Each time I react - I used to always hide. Yet, now when someone yells at me - directing all their stored up agression in my direction - I tend to get a wee bit perturbed. I used to take it all, but somewhere along the way I learned that there are things I don't deserve. Being the focal point for someone's inability to cope is not my lot in life. I am a person - and thus a rational being (contradictory to the third sentence I know...). I am capable of conversation, and of understanding the finer points of others feelings without the need for raised voices to deliver the punch.

So I ask you for one last time: Do not yell at me, and I will not yell at you. I respect you that much. But if you must insist on yelling, you will spar only with yourself.

The loss of virginity is an issue that all survivors of sexual abuse face at some time. Two conflicting views come to our minds, and we must make peace in our hearts. The first says that because we had sex - even though unwillingly, and innocence was lost, we are no longer "virgins." The other however, clings to the belief that because we did not consent, in some way the integrity of our intentions was not harmed.

Because both of these thoughts exist in our minds at the same time, it is often difficult for us to decide which is true. We feel guilt and shame because we lost something precious, anger resides in our hearts over the theft of a precious gift, and we grieve the innocence that we have lost.

For many years I have struggled with the loss of my own innocence in the face of my "virginity." One one hand, I feel shame for knowing "more than I should," while on the other, I know that this "knowledge" comes to all over time.

Today, I was reading a message from someone who is coping with the same issue. One of the replies caught my eye. It stated that St. Augustine had spoken of this very issue in City of God.
I was amazed.

Someone actually wrote about this??? Someone understood our confusion, and worked help us to understand the truth? What did he say??? Which thought did he agree with??

I just had to look this one up, and this is what I found:If, on the other hand, [virtue} belongs to the soul, then not even when the body is violated is it lost. Nay more, the virtue of holy continence, when it resists the uncleanness of carnal lust, sanctifies even the body, and therefore when this continence remains unsubdued, even the sanctity of the body is preserved, because the will to use it holily remains, and, so far as lies in the body itself, the power also.

For the sanctity of the body does not consist in the integrity of its members, nor in their exemption from all touch; for they are exposed to various accidents which do violence to and wound them, and the surgeons who administer relief often perform operations that sicken the spectator.He said that, even though I my body was molested, my virtue (virginity) remained intact because it was of my will, not my body? My friend was right when he told me that virginity cannot be taken, it must given of ones own free will? I knew he was, but sometimes I still doubted. Sometimes it was hard to believe....

Now I know, no one can take that from me. It belongs to me until I give it to another - by my choice...

Did you know that there are five major types of hugs? Did you also know that the type of hug you give another person is determined by the type of relationship you have with them, your social surroundings, and the need for ease of detachment? If you didn't know this, you are probably thinking I am too analytical. If you did know this, maybe you understand where I am coming from.

Believe it or not, this knowledge has not come from an in depth psychological study, or from hours of pondering the intricacies of hugging. It actually has developed as a part of my understanding of a world that I do not understand.

What does this mean? It means that, each time I am touched, my body is startled. It sends shock waves to my brain, and my brain reacts to minimize the impending damage that may be caused if the "threat" is not processed immediately. This damage is an avalanche of emotions that were repressed during my childhood.

Because the touches I experienced as a child were generally disciplary or sexual, appropriate touch is often difficult for me to place. Casual, comforting, and loving touches create great turmoil in my mind because it does not know which emotions belong to which touches. It is hard to have relationships because I do not know what I really feel and what is being "manufactured" by the confusion created by touch. This confusion tends to cause me to decide to break off relationships for fear that I may find myself "feeling" things that I do not really feel.

Sometimes it is so hard to keep myself in line when there is a little voice whispering in my ear that I will never be good enough. This voice from my childhood tells me that - No matter what I do, I will always fail. I will hurt the ones I love - and I can do nothing to change this.

This voice causes me to end relationships before they start because I know what is coming. Somewhere down the road, I will do something unforgivable, and it scares me. It scares me to think I could be capable of hurting someone so deeply that they could never forgive me. But what makes this thought worse, is that I know I can & will.

The knowledge that wounds heal, and life goes on does little to comfort me. Knowing that I could inflict such a scar is more than I can stand. In my timid heart, I feel that it would be better to cause a little pain now than to inflict deeper wounds later - to not only others, but to myself also. I would rather live my life in solitude than to hurt someone that deeply.

In the end - I keep my happy place where no one hurts for long, and I am all alone.

Many years came and went before I realized that the holes that once filled my life were finally gone. True happiness had settled in and I no longer felt out of place in my own skin.

It is so strange to me sometimes that there are people who look at my life, which is very simple, and say that I must be unhappy. They look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I am not and proceed to argue the points of how incomplete in my life is without certain things.

I realize that it is all a matter of perspective. Those who constantly advise me on how to make my life "happier" look at my life and see holes because my life lacks the things they cannot feel complete without. "Misery loves company," so they project this unhappiness to me, and try to justify their needs by trying to convince me that I am missing something. The holes they see in my life are actually holes in theirs. I can be complete and happy just as I am - with what I have, and they have not found a way to do so in their own lives.

There are times when I wish that I could simply say to them, "Just because your life has holes in it does not mean mine has to have them too." But I know that they are convinced that their lives are perfect and must find the truth on their own. Until then I will keep these quotes close to my heart:

A man is not rightly conditioned until he is a happy, healthy, and prosperous being; and happiness, health, and prosperity are the result of a harmonious adjustment of the inner with the outer of the man with his surroundings.
                                                                  ~ James Allen

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?

~ Albert Camus

True happiness arises, in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self...
                                                           ~ Joseph Addison

To be happy we must not be too concerned with others.                                                                ~ Albert Camus

The happy man is not he who seems thus to others, but who seems thus to himself.
                                                             ~ Publilius Syrus

Lao Tzu once said that "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." How true I have found those words to be through out the years. Sometimes it is so hard for us to step out when we have no idea where the path will lead. We prefer the "safety" of what we know to the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

Taking that first step on the healing journey is always the hardest thing a survivor will ever have to do. It means that they will forsake all they know to seek the unknown. They will leave the comfort of familiarity - however abusive it may be - for an uncertain future, knowing that once they step out, they can never return. One can never know what they may find at the end of that thousand miles, but we each set out in hopes that it will be a better life - a life where we are free and the past is far behind.

All it takes is just one step to leave it all behind. It may seem hard at the time, but you will never regret the journey that follows.

If I am introduced as, "this is so and so's stepdaughter" one more time this week, I think I am going to scream. I could not tell you how many times I have been introduced in this manner in the past few days. However, I can tell you that the last time I heard it today was just about all I could stand.

No, I do not hate my step-mother. She is a very sweet, patient woman who has put up with more than most people would. For most of the time I have known her, I have called her mom.

What bothers me about all of this is that my identity is not defined by who my parents or step-parents are, but rather by who I am. I do not believe that it would have gotten under my skin as much if someone had introduced me as, "This is Kylee Jones," and allowed the other person to draw the connections themselves. It would not have even bothered me for them to say, "This is Kylee Jones, so and so's step-daughter." At least then I would have been given an identity of my own before being associated with another person.

Maybe it all goes back to my father trying so hard to replace my mother. Maybe I just have a problem with being defined by someone else's name. I don't know, maybe it's both. All I really know right now is that it bothered me a lot.

The following are the boundaries that I am setting for myself this day:

1) I will not accept more guilt and shame than is mine in any given situation.

2) I will not accept someone else’s behavior as ok or understandable if they continue to be angry, vindictive, or overly protective after I have made sincere efforts to apologize, repair the damage, and change.

3) I will not accept less than forgiveness when I am sincere.

4) I will separate others feelings of hurt/anger from their need to be hurt/angry and accept being but not needing to be.

5) I will not allow myself to feel unintelligent, apathetic, or insensitive just because someone says or insinuates I am.

6) I will separate the difference between healthy discussions and chiding/excessive reprimand.

7) I will separate my issue from their issue in an argument.

8) I will follow the guidelines set in The Anger Formula, not only when I am angry, but when someone else is angry at me in order to determine which part of the situation is my resposibility and which part is their resposibility.

9) I will be willing to remove myself from the situation if my penance is not sufficient to appease their feelings of anger, hurt, or protectiveness.

These are boundaries that I must set because my boundaries were stretched as a child. Because of my inability to set boundaries, I have allowed many to take advantage of my willingness to make things right. They have often used it to make themselves feel better by inflicting excessive guilt and shame, thus making me feel stupid and insignificant. I recognize that my father’s inability to deal with his own anger issues, and his subsequent “therapy,” led to my inability to set boundaries with others. My greatest asset and my greatest downfall in this has always been my desire to please others.

Learning that there are acceptable limits to how far I must go to please or appease another has been very difficult for me because of my desire not to incur further wrath or other implications from individuals with unhealthy needs. However, to continue to strive to meet unhealthy needs and expectations is unhealthy for me. It is damaging to my emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. If I am ever to feel competent, intelligent, and complete again, I must set and abide by these boundaries.

From this moment on, I will strive not only to set boundaries that are healthy for me, but for others as well by showing that unhealthy boundaries, needs, and expectations are not ok.